Knights in Plastic Armor

2003-11-03 - 2:13 a.m.

i'm re-reading your words.they make me teary-eyed.i was always looking for myself between the lines.i fell over you at the wrong time.i gave you what you wanted.it was never enough.it always hurt.because it felt so good.too good.and i waited for six months.for you.you didn't come.when another came.then you came back.and i. left with indecision.and i wanted you to tell me.and you never could/would/did.still i'm left wondering.now back with him.and i'm not happy.i'd rather be alone and get to see your smile.listen to your stories.i'm picking up the phone and dialing your number.but it's all in my head.you're probably not there.i don't even know what you do anymore.how you spend your time.while i waste mine.on dreams.and i'm sorry.i'm sorry for all the ways that i was.that i am.i'm sorry that i made you into a devil.when you were always an angel.you're an angel.you are beautiful.i miss you.i'm remembering.i'm remembering.god, i'm remembering.and who took the fall?i thought it was me.now i'm not sure.i wish i could take it all back.see what would happen.when he left you were there for me.and then i left you in the cold.but i'd rather be there hanging out with you.but i went back to him because i didn't think you'd have me.now so much time is lost.and the only mistake was going back to him when i should have seen you that night.i left a note on your door.you laughed.i knew i could make you laugh.and i bought you 2 christmas presents.when he gave me those flowers i wished they were from you.dear sweet one.you always hold a place in my heart.and i wish we could go see movies together.and hang out at bars.and dance that funny dance at nightclubs and laugh at the people who laugh at us.because they are the ones who are strange.they are the robots of society.they are made up of magazines and department store makeovers and $70 t-shirts with brand names in bold letters.they'll never be happy.because they want too much.but we know that it's all just an illusion.all that matters is words and smiles and thoughts and dreams and sunsets.we dig down deep beneath the muddy exterior and we find gems.we live in a city where the lights are so bright that we find comfort in the absolute dark.i've found beauty with you in black bathrooms.swept away from the reality outside.while hundreds of people were just outside the door.i hold these memories close to my heart.because you were a true friend.and i was an idiot.a complete idiot.for not seeing you through the right eyes.i still don't know your intentions.but i know that they weren't bad.and i was selfish.i thought that i shouldn't waste time on someone i couldn't marry.felt like life was slipping away too fast.i still do.now i know i won't marry regardless, because i've never found a love that stays true.why else would i be writing to you.and you were always first on my list.but i had to cross you out.because i knew i could never be what you wanted.thought i'd embarass you to be at your side.i know i'm not what you need.but i still want you back in my life.i will find a way.wishing you'd show up on my doorstep is not going to make it happen.and you probably don't even know where i live.and i still sigh every time i pass by your street.maybe some day i'll make that turn.

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